I have gauges in my ears. It started in my teens; I distinctly remember my mom yelling at me in front of all of my friends about needing to take out my gauges. I was humiliated and absolutely furious at her for days afterwards. My gauges weren’t big, but they were noticeable. Having them was apparently not acceptable behavior unless I wanted to get my mom’s nails dug into my neck again, so I let the holes close up. But that didn’t stop me from getting other piercings; double nostril and septum, rook, three conches, whatever. And eventually, in college, I decided to stretch my ears again.
It was already apparent that I was not exactly like the other students in the Biological and Agricultural Engineering department. I felt it every day. I experienced classes with this vague sense of ostracization, like I was judged everywhere I went for what I looked like; or more accurately, for who I am. I didn’t dress like a total weirdo; I guess I had those piercings on my face and a bit of an attitude (because I felt fucking ostracized), but I wasn’t doing anything wrong. The truth is, my teachers were huge fans of me. They gave me the A’s I deserved and supported me in my professional and personal endeavors. The students, however, were a different story.
I’m no stranger to this kind of scenario. It reminds of high school, all over again. Oh, to be an emo metalhead straight-A honor student slash varsity soccer player. I have always been a strange contradiction: too normal for freakhood, too freakish for the normal world. I’m a Stuck In-Between kind of person.
As if there are only two groups in society: the winners, and the losers. The accepted, and the rejected. No gray areas, only Us vs. Thems, irreconcilable differences. Guess which category I would fall into?
That’s a trick question. The answer is neither. Because the notion that anyone is better than anyone else or more capable, more lovable, more whatever the fuck, is a complete and utter lie. There is no person higher than any other. The hierarchy of the human race is a total scam. It is an illusion created and perpetuated by pitiful, barely-human fuck-heads that once seen through, simply dissolves. Try it out sometime, please — seeing yourself as equally powerful as those with “more” money, “more” influence, “more” anything. Belief rules reality. We need your conscious involvement in the co-creation of the harmonic New Earth.
Beloveds, as I stretched my gauges just one millimeter larger in diameter today, it brought up some beautiful inquiries for me. You see, changing from 11mm to 12mm may not seem like a big deal, but it actually looks like a significant size difference to the human eye. Twelve millimeters is equivalent to a double zero (00) size. In some cases, this is the final step before you reach no-going-back land.
There’s inherent risk in my choice to continue stretching my ears — or at least it feels that way. Each time I go larger, the more obvious it becomes to both myself and others that I am not interested in being normal. Though I am fairly confident in myself, I must admit that I actually feel terrified of what the consequences of my actions will be. In fact, the entire time I’ve had piercings, gauges, and unpopular beliefs for that matter, I have felt at least somewhat scared of what people think of me. Though I pushed through this fear many times, it has never gone away. The core belief remains: if I stand out, people will reject me, one thing will lead to another, and I will be either killed or remain an outcast for the rest of my life, with no help or compassion from anyone. I will be forced to fail, with no hope and no chance of achieving my dreams.
As a child, I was not permitted to make bold moves to express myself. In fifth grade, I would be publicly asked to wash my makeup off in the bathroom quite often. It was unfair, considering another girl in class didn’t seem to get in trouble for her eyeliner.
In fifth grade, I also wanted to dye my blonde hair completely black, because Marilyn Manson was my idol. (Sometimes parental restriction is a positive thing for a child).
In sixth grade, I would get in trouble for writing “I <3 JARED” all over my hands with permanent markers. I found that particularly obnoxious, for someone to tell me what I could and could not do with my physical body.
The stories go on. The pattern continued. Through these experiences, my adolescent self learned that if I do not comply with societal standards, then I will be rejected. This means I will be jobless, homeless, and helpless. But this did not stop be from liking the music, subjects, or clothing that I liked. It became a conundrum: who can I be? And consequently, after years of limiting my self-expression: who the fuck am I?
Today, as I look lovingly into the mirror at my beautiful face and newly stretched ears, I feel fear arise to the surface. It is clear as day. I am afraid of the consequences of expressing myself.
I am afraid that I will be deemed unprofessional and incapable of representing our company’s mission.
I am afraid I will be fired from my job, despite being a highly valuable team member.
I can imagine all of the conversations where people bring up how uncomfortable they are around me, based on my looks.
I am afraid, and I can imagine – but I also question myself in this moment:
Why do I believe that other people can express themselves, but not me?
That simply cannot be true.
I challenge my inner survival reactions.
Is there really anything to be afraid of?
It seems, from my autotheistic spiritual perspective, only positive results can come from expressing myself in alignment with my Soul’s desire. It is, in fact, the best possible decision I could make, from a karmic point of view. I am here for me, for God, for Love. All else is distraction. All else is unimportant. Integrity, staying true to what I know is ethical and good for me and others, that is important.
For me, staking my claim as a sovereign human being who can take up space involves decorating my body with badass crystals in my ears. It also involves getting tattoos, which I dream about more and more nowadays. And this is about more than just looks; I also consider crystal gauges and tattoos as sacred tools to raise my consciousness.
While I am alive on Earth, I want to make a statement with my beautiful body, one that says: “be who you really are, and we will all be better for it.”
And so it is that I am keeping these 00 gauges in! I also started partial dreading my hair today. I am committed to looking exactly how I want to, simply because I want to. Without fear of the “consequences.” What consequences? I am honoring the Divine when I exercise my freedom of self-expression. This is an act of devotion.
Ultimately, I have to find peace in the fact that some people won’t accept me. I need to stand strong in my own beliefs of self-love, while deleting society’s manipulative program of body shaming and reactionary hatred. This is part of my spiritual growth.
Honestly, I don’t even want surface-level acceptance from shallow people. Having a unique look that expresses my desire to divorce from toxic societal norms is a sort of defense mechanism against low vibrations. It shows me who is willing to love me despite my appearance, and gives me a filter through which to attract more conscious acquaintances.
The impacts of my upbringing are apparent as I shift into a more grounded understanding of who I am, and how I want to express myself. It takes effort and courage to push through limiting beliefs, and be seen in my truth.
Even though some part of me feels like I’m under a constant witch hunt, I know this is some past life or generational trauma arising to be released. I am a healer. So I say to myself, through tears and shivers: I can be successful exactly the way I am. I can express myself safely. I am loveable. I am acceptable. I am free. I will not hold myself back out of the convenience of avoiding other people’s discomfort. I take no responsibility for other people’s assumptions anymore.
So my friends, even the most seemingly simple actions can have rippling effects on the past and the future. The journey of self-expression for me is a deep healing path. I make decisions which honor myself and all of my ancestors, all beings everywhere.
Love is the essence of my action; love will therefore be the result.
I trust in the new reality I am creating.
I trust my authentic expression to uplift me to new levels of consciousness and success.
I trust in the sacred protection of Divine Law.
And so it is.
✌︎ ♡ ✞ ⛧
Ethereal Ecology 