Each day is a new opportunity
To do something differently
What does my body need?
To be honest, often I don’t really know.
Is it protein, or vegetables, cooked or raw food?
Can I really eat this much peanut butter and chocolate?
Is it okay to treat myself?
How much is too much?
When am I hungry?
When am I full?
What satisfies me?
Meal time is supposed to be full of joy and gratitude…
Not heart-stopping anxiety!
But my friend made a meal when I wasn’t hungry
Now I’m battling with myself
Whether to eat
Or not
Spiraling into self-doubt and negativity
Stop, stop! We cannot go down this road again
It is okay to fast
It is okay to eat
It is okay
I am okay
One day I’ll figure it out
How to honor my body’s needs without feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility
How to be realistic with myself without being critical or mean
How to meet my emotional needs in other ways
Like, say, human connection…
Between now and then, when I’m ready to be vulnerable, when I’m ready to be seen
I’ll find comfort in food
Even when it’s not really helping
I will fail myself by overeating
And I will be sad
Probably frustrated
Maybe even downright pissed
But I will do my best not to shame myself for having extra fat on my body
For being bloated and full,
Literally carrying around the weight of my (perceived to be) poor decisions
Life is hard enough
Living with my flaws is hard enough
I will not tolerate any more self-imposed shame.
Until these wounds are healed,
Until I get more support,
I will continue to make mistakes
And that’s going to have to be okay
For now.
Ethereal Ecology 