Suicidal urge? More like an urge to live. When I’m at the end of my rope – and I assure you, it’s far too often than I’d care to admit – I often feel like dying is the only option. I have felt this way at least several dozen times in my life. Never so strongly as I have recently, however. I sense that this mounting intensity is simply mirroring my strength, my resources. For at the end of that rope; where there seems to be no light, only darkness; where I cannot see any way out of the trap I’ve caught myself in. At the end of that rope, I find the deepest truth and beauty I could ever have imagined. Guided by some cruel masochistic method of self-imposed evolution, I dive deep into the psyche. What I find is not always a very nice thing; at least not at first. Life hurts. I hurt.
I’m traumatized, just like you. We are all so fucking traumatized. We’ve been raped, assaulted, betrayed, injured, heartbroken, disturbed to our cores. Dissociate! My panic responds… Constantly. Tuning into this chest is like putting your pulse on the trigger of a grenade. I’m shaking so hard it seems like I’m standing rigidly still. You see? Traumatized, panicked, terrified. I often watch my spirit escape my disembodied shell in utter necessity. Dissociation, it’s called, when you literally leave your body so that you can avoid the intensity or pain of the present moment. That shit holds deep in the tissues. It’s a straight-up survival mechanism.
“Come back, Kelly Janae”, I soothe myself with touch and spiritual healing, bringing myself down to Earth. I did not always have these helpful tools. Life is a lot harder when you’re floating away about 90% of the time. It’s not safer in the head, though. Haha. Ha! I assure you. It’s not as safe as living with your feet firmly planted in this earthly realm. We are physical creatures. Embodiment is the ultimate enlightenment.
I learned. I’m a really good learner, you see: valedictorian of my class as a top-tier engineering student, captain of the varsity soccer team, three jobs at once, pursuing self-realization hardcore, all-the-while hating everyone and everything, including myself. I thought I knew what love was; then I met myself. And I was like, damn, I can do better. I can love myself fully, in all of my “flaws” and traumas. Because I am not my trauma, my pain, my anything. I am, simply because I am. A spiritual being manifest as human, what an incredible miracle is Life.
I choose to live in devotion of this omnipresent perfectly intelligent Oneness that vibrates through all of us like an under-rated bass line (baseline?). The drum of my heart beats nearer now to the Soul of Source than it ever has before in this lifetime. All because I leaned into my suicidal urge and my shame. I chose not to run away from my feelings. No, I don’t do that anymore. I can’t do that anymore. I’m on the healing path. It honestly chooses you. I am a chosen one. But here’s the truth: so are you. Anyone whose eyes read this piece is by proxy within an orb of conscious evolution that will eventually expand so quickly and beautifully we will hardly believe how joyous it is to be alive. I promise you.
We are already on the other side; trust me. I’ve been there. And so have you. Do you see the pattern here? Life begets life, evolution is fated, free will is our privilege and our right as sovereign multidimensional beings. I believe in you to live your truth. You’ve been doing it all your life, just in hiding. Open up, beautiful heart. I see you. I love you. Be you. Please! For the sake of this planet and all her children, be you, be here. You are safe. You are loved. You are love. Unconditional love. I love. Say it! “I Love.”
Ethereal Ecology 