Am I New Yet?

Am I new yet?
Every day I try something different, 
Delve deeper into some practice or affirmation – 
The breathwork, the plant medicine, the mind control
Where does it end?

Lost in spiraling thoughts
I’m like a tornado who is sometimes conscious of herself
Spinning horrifically out of control
Damaging and on a path to destruction
(and by that I mean death)
No matter what I do in this life
No matter how well I care for my body
One day I will die.
Perhaps tomorrow
No one knows
It’s the greatest mystery of all.

So no wonder I’m terrified of not reaching my “full potential”!
Any day could be my last, yet here I am
Trying so hard to simply see myself in the mirror as a beautiful, strong woman
Pretending to be joyful for the sake of overcoming negative patterns
Struggling to shut up my mind and channel my spirit guides
All the while reminding myself to zoom out from the ego, tune into a more detached level of consciousness
Rather than identifying with the silly saga of my personality

I guess that’s what it’s like to be human:
Perpetually making mistakes
Constantly insecure and unaware
Never quite able to focus completely on The End
Because it’s all we can do to live in the present moment
(and don’t even get me started about the past!)
So much to focus on, so much to do
Like I have an infinite buffet in front of me
But a stomach only so big

Ha! I guess life really is a joke,
A conscious whoopie cushion of youuuuuuuu suckkkk.
In a loving way, of course.
After all, we are here to love ourselves,
And we are so damn lovable!

It’s all there, in the heart – 
All the love we could ever need for ourselves
Diving into this caressing cavern
My chest is a gateway
To starry night skies of dancing constellations
To love-making and love-receiving
To beauty in all of its forms
The heart is the lock
And the key
So here I am, protecting my castle
Attempting to be who I’m truly meant to be
Because even if I will live more lives,
I’m pretty certain I’ll never live this one again.

I am a balance
One hand slightly lower than the other
Consciousness is a cruel, unstable game

I am a thief
I steal your joy from far away
And you are none the wiser

I am uneasy, unwise
I am peaceful, sagacious
I am you
I am me
We are one
So say us!

Listen here, fellow particle of the infinite Universe – 
This is only temporary
And thank goodness for that!
It’s the pressure that makes life go on
It’s the change that fascinates and motivates us
It’s the heartbreak that opens us up to more joy
Life is a miracle
You are a miracle
A hilarious, disgusting, beautiful miracle.

So may you find your way to perfection
With power, ease and grace
May we find one another again
In a more harmonious place
May the planet persist, may the Earth live on
May the humans be loving, more conscious and calm
May all our doubts dissolve into acceptance
May we lower our expectations and acquiesce:
To not knowing everything
To not being perfect
To not doing it all

Limitation is the greatest gift;
Forever falling into gratitude,
I fall,
I fall,
I fall...