Because getting off psychiatric medication has inadvertently become a full-time job for me, I am reading through the drug label for Lamictal (a “mood stabilizer” which purports to increase the time between bipolar episodes, but does absolutely nothing to benefit mood/emotional cycles).
To my dismay, the FDA-approved method of discontinuing this drug is to go down by 50% of the original dose over at least 2 weeks:
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
About 2.5 years ago, I went down by 25% from 200 to 150 mg. Almost immediately, my emotional stability was shattered. I could no longer focus at work. I became uncharacteristically sensitive to caffeine, alcohol, and marijuana. I started having panic attacks. I could not go into the office and I almost lost my job because I was saying things and acting in a way that caused concern to others, without even noticing that my behavior was out of whack.
Since then, I’ve experienced intense fatigue, insomnia, oversleeping, depression, anxiety, inescapable fear, headaches, abnormal appetite, blurry vision, rashes (which have the capacity to become fatal) – and most recently, nonstop suicidal thoughts.
Two and a half years, and I am nowhere close to feeling normal. I made the decision to get off this drug so I could reclaim my power and my intuition. I have restructured my diet, sleep schedule, and lifestyle in ways that benefit me greatly. I have attracted a job that, in theory, I love and enjoy. Yet every day feels like a chore. I have not been able to extract joy from the things I love for long enough to feel like I’m surviving this fight. Instead, I’m constantly drowning, gasping for air, attempting to appear normal, barely getting my work done, thanking the Universe each night when I can lay my head down and just fall the fuck asleep, grateful for the opportunity to briefly escape this prison of a mind I’ve found myself locked up in.
Today, I’ve learned that the FDA approved this drug only after an 18 month trial with an extremely limited sample size, biased toward people who had already shown responsive signs to Lamictal. Further, these tests had failed for years on-end prior to this study, which for whatever reason finally convinced the FDA to release yet another drug to the world with unknown active mechanisms and dubious (at best) health outcomes.
Today, like every day, I’m reliving the trauma of what my life has become – all because at some point, a doctor prescribed me an SSRI (escitalopram), I stopped taking it after 2 weeks, and just like that: unstoppable manic-depressive cycles. All because I was balancing far too many responsibilities for a 21-year old, with barely any support systems, and even fewer friends. All because this culture dooms us to failure – forces us to shove our emotions down deep, so that our hearts become jumbled messes, our decision-making abilities deteriorate, our intuition dies, and we become but shells of the person we once knew that we could be, before the University, the Public School, the Pharmaceutical, the Corporate, the Political Systems grabbed us by the throat and choked out our courage, wisdom, and compassion.
Today, I’m fucking infuriated, absolutely livid; not to mention devastated, defeated, and utterly exhausted. But I am not broken, and I have not given up the fight. Despite feeling like my confidence has been ripped to shreds, I still show up to therapy every week. I still wake up and find myself at the gym or on my yoga mat every morning. I still sit my ass down to meditate every night. I still remain mindful of my emotions as they arise, and tend to them as best I can, avoiding calling a friend unless I really need it. I still study new ways of living and being, even though reading and sounds often give me a headache. I still apologize to my family and animals for being an asshole, I still stick with my diet, I still only engage in drugs and alcohol in a non-addictive way, I still work as hard as I can while keeping self-care top priority. I still do everything I can not to harm others or myself.
I am still holding on, with deep faith that I will get through this. Because I am not alone, neither in the human realm nor beyond. Because I’ve kicked ass before, and I’ll do it again. And honestly, because I don’t have a choice: from my perspective, I’m choosing either to live an honest, healthy life, or to surrender my power to some intangible juggernaut of a social system that has no one’s best interest in mind other than the fossil-fuel company owning, human-rights killing assholes at the tippy top of this delusional hierarchy. This is my personal rebellion. With all seriousness and sincerity: Fuck the System.
To all of those out there carrying “mental illness” on your plate, I am right there with you. Your pain is my pain, and my pain is yours, whether we want to accept that or not. This world is fucked up. Not you, not me, this world. Our mindsets, our emotional instability, is but a byproduct of the strange situation we’ve been born into. Fortunately, they can be changed; but not with barely-legal medications, approved by the same fuckers who haven’t added CBD, Ashwagandha, Nature Walks or A Nice Long Hug to their list of medically acceptable supplements. And certainly not with isolation, or distrust of our neighbors, or hatred, greed, despair. What we need right now is hope. What we need is honesty, inspiration, and bravery. Even at the end of my rope, it gives me energy to know that sharing my struggles can help someone through their day. So I will do my best to spread these virtues, here, now. Though tomorrow will likely be another day of conscious emotional juggling and quieting self-destructive thoughts, I’m still here to be your champion of mental health. I’m still here to shine a light in the darkness.
Good God damn, I’m still here.
Ethereal Ecology 