On Being Human

Often I wonder what the source of my suffering is. I look to nature, going on long walks across uncharted territory, exploring the landscape as I would my mind — observing with loving awareness the inner process that unfolds. In my body, there is tension; a force keeping me disconnected from my surroundings. But this body is only a temporary form, ever-changing; this mind an ephemeral vessel of thoughts and inspiration. And all around me are other beings in the same predicament, souls imprisoned in flesh suits, straining their eyes to see reality through a filthy lens of karmic illusion. We are all the same, in essence; yet, so separate. How can this be?

Between us sentient beings is no vacuum. Indeed, every single space on this planet, whether filled with air or object, is saturated with something wonderful to explore. Beneath me is a river rock, stable and still despite the rushing rapids which assail it all the time. The water stretches before me, ominous and inviting, singing uproarious songs of truth and consequence. Until rain ceases to fall she will live on, flowing deep or shallow, fast or slow — whatever the upstream conditions she responds perfectly. Acquiescing to hydraulic forces, her curves create the pattern of life’s precious gift; from subtle grooves to sudden felled trees, evolution is her lifestyle, and she models it effortlessly.

I sit beside this river, but really I am within her. I can feel myself gasp for air as the cool waves crash over me, and my shifting feet struggle on the slimy, stony bottom. I grab for something, a rock, a branch; and I take a much needed break, collapsing into exhaustion and overwhelm. But the adventure is now gone. The wild flow of life continues all around while I stay watching events unfold from a distance, biding my time, alone, apart, stagnant.

Human life is like this. Attachment to something solid, familiar, safe — it pervades each moment to our detriment. Perhaps letting go of that rock or branch could send me tumbling over a waterfall to my timely demise — but what then? Surely that cannot be the end. Indeed, I have died many times and began again, like when I sleep and forget everything, live out fantasies in my dream no conscious Kelly could ever come up with, then wake up with new eyes, new energy. I may hold on to the previous day’s woes, but that is a conscious choice. In the split seconds after I open my eyes there is an opportunity to let go of the past, to forget about the future, and simply to be in the present moment, where my hands are free from grasping, my mind is clear of prejudice, awareness is infinite and peace is automatic. But too often that moment is robbed by my monkey mind, as I allow remembrance of the ego’s drama and slip back into that flesh-suit again with unfortunate ease. I get out of bed right where I began.

How to extend the space between death and rebirth — to become more comfortable in the Great Mystery, to allow ourselves to get carried down a violent river into unknown territory with absolutely no fear, to have unwavering faith in the Universe’s intelligence to guide our stories into something greater, a divine existence, oneness once again. This may be the essence of life; or at least, the most important question of the day. In the grand scheme of things, today is a millennium and an asymptotic mote. Today is my whole life, because I am not there, in the past nor the future. I am here, now, and now, and now.

So I will treat today as the most important day of my life. With reverence, I will breathe in deeply the infinite wisdom of my surroundings. I will dissolve form, forget mind; and I will inevitably fall victim to the ego trap, letting self-cherishing thoughts invade and placing false confidence in worldly pleasures. But I will at least be aware of the shift. In that moment of fault, I will replace shame with connection, knowing that I am not alone in my tendency to be human. After all, there are billions of others making the same mistakes every second of every day. Thus, even in our imperfections, we are One.