Today I Talked to God

Today I talked to God.
He said...
She said...
They said
Well, nothing really.
It was more like a feeling;
A sensation of knowing.
Cognition.
Intuition.
You see, when I ask for answers from God
The transmission is always somewhat muffled
Which is, of course, the fault of the receiver
For God’s message is always clear as day
(But, let’s be honest,
Some days are cloudier than others…)

And there goes my ego
Defending itself yet again 
     Against the omnipotent force of Eternity
Relevant, because on this day
God’s message was a request
Of nothing else
But
Repentance.

Now, as a former atheist
     (slash Satanist, sorry)
This idea of repentance causes my stomach to churn
My bones to ache
My belief system to take a fighting stance
Because to grow up in the South, or in white America in general
    Is to share space with often hypocritical church-goers.
        Church goers who would very much like to preach their faith to you
            Despite having the spiritual wisdom of a high school student
                (Because, they were, of course, high school students)
And God (forgive me) I hated high school.

Repent!
Repent?!
For what?!
For heaven's sake (forgive me) - at this moment I was walking in the forest, with several hi-C juice boxes and crushed beer cans in my hands
Poised for a visit to the local trash receptacle
Picking up after the thoughtlessness and poor beverage choices of disc golf stoners
Performing a good deed
Simply out of my responsibility to the environment, to preserving the sanctity of our parks, and perhaps to spark inspiration in any passersby to do a similar service somewhere down the line
And God
In all of his or her or their pompous (forgive me) omnipotence
Asks me to repent.

My throat hurts
My ears ache
I can hardly breathe, and I'm begging for help
But the year has gone by and still this physical malady ails me
Why?
If anyone would know, it's God.
So I tap into my auric field, desperate to know its landscape
To know the light-beings creating the subtle tones that tease my curiosity late at night
And I ask for help.

God listens.
God always listens.
But me?
Not so much.
God damn (forgive me), I try
And my human mind is like a monkey swinging from tree to tree
A monkey who thinks it knows everything
And fills the gaps of listening with automatic impulses
Ultimately shielding my eyes from seeing the truth

But today I see the truth, and it tells me to repent.
So despite my reluctance,
I do.
To the best of my ability, of course.
Even as I pace the disc golf course, speaking words of acknowledgement for my sub par actions in life
Like the time I gave God the finger in the minivan, at a ripe six   years of age
And the number "f" words thrown the way of Christians and God itself
And humans at large
     because I never could quite grapple with being a human myself...

I talked to God
Or Spirit, or the Great Mystery, or the All That Is
Whatever name he/she/it wanted to hear on this strange day
I sparked a conversation
Knowing, despite the nonsensical sight it may have been to see me talking extensively to myself in the woods
That every word I said was heard by some force whose intentions are always good
But whose shape and form I cannot understand
And whose language evades me

Indeed, I asked for forgiveness,
      But most of all, I asked for humility
For even in this moment of servantry, I realized my former atheistic beliefs still run strong through my veins
Remnants of my youth, the culture I grew up in
My Aquarius nature rebelling against the norms of society
Disgusted by the destruction that humans have caused upon this sacred planet
Despite my work speaking to God
      Through the animals, the trees, the stones, the spirits
I have lots, and lots of work to do;
Pain and resentment to uncover,
and to release.

Some aspects of religion hold firm in value
Apparently God does require a token of repentance for our sins

Sins, as I understand them, being those aspects of ourselves
   Those actions we take
      Which move us out of flow with nature
         Which harm more than they help
            Which fuel the self-cherishing ego
                And distract us from our soul purpose, which is:

To find balance, to live balanced, to love balanced, once again.

A nearby tree reaches out her trunk like an angel's hand
And I press my heart against her
Asking God for just one favor
To be gentle in its askings
To seek forgiveness with compassion
For sometimes it seems like I’m all alone,
   And looked down upon by the ghostly presence of Great Spirit
      Who is shaking their head at my ignorance
         And racking up a running list of my negative character traits

We are taught to fear their wrath
And even those of us who do not believe
Are subject to brainwashing
By mere association
I recognize the faults in this reasoning
Emancipate myself from the fear-mongering
I let doubt go
And let trust in.

Performing a good deed
Simply out of my responsibility to the environment, to preserving the sanctity of our parks, and perhaps to spark inspiration in any passersby to do a similar service somewhere down the line
And God
In all of his or her or their pompous (forgive me) omnipotence
Asks me to repent.

My throat hurts
My ears ache
I can hardly breathe, and I'm begging for help
But the year has gone by and still this physical malady ails me
Why?
If anyone would know, it's God.
So I tap into my auric field, desperate to know its landscape
To know the light-beings creating the subtle tones that tease my curiosity late at night
And I ask for help.

God listens.
God always listens.
But me?
Not so much.
God damn (forgive me), I try
And my human mind is like a monkey swinging from tree to tree
A monkey who thinks it knows everything
And fills the gaps of listening with automatic impulses
Ultimately shielding my eyes from seeing the truth

But today I see the truth, and it tells me to repent.
So despite my reluctance,
       I do.
To the best of my ability, of course.
Even as I pace the disc golf course, speaking words of acknowledgement for my sub par actions in life
Like the time I gave God the finger in the minivan, at a ripe six years of age
And the number "f" words thrown the way of Christians and God itself
And humans at large
       because I never could quite grapple with being a human myself
I talked to God
Or Spirit, or the Great Mystery, or the All That Is
Whatever name he/she/it wanted to hear on this strange day
I sparked a conversation
Knowing, despite the nonsensical sight it may have been to see me
Talking extensively
       to myself in the woods
That every word I said was heard by some force whose intentions are always good
But whose shape and form I cannot understand
And whose language evades me

Indeed, I asked for forgiveness,
       But most of all, I asked for humility
For even in this moment of servantry, I realized my former atheistic beliefs still run strong through my veins
Remnants of my youth, the culture I grew up in
My Aquarius nature rebelling against the norms of society
       Disgusted by the destruction that humans have caused upon this sacred planet
Despite my work speaking to God
       Through the animals, the trees, the stones, the spirits
I have lots, and lots of work to do;
Pain and resentment to uncover,
and to release.

Some aspects of religion hold firm in value
Apparently God does require a token of repentance for our sins

Sins, as I understand them, being those aspects of ourselves
   Those actions we take
      Which move us out of flow with nature
         Which harm more than they help
            Which fuel the self-cherishing ego
                And distract us from our soul purpose, which is:

   To find balance, to live balanced, to love balanced, once again.

A nearby tree reaches out her trunk like an angel's hand
And I press my heart against her
Asking God for just one favor
To be gentle in its askings
To seek forgiveness with compassion
For sometimes it seems like I'm all alone,
   And looked down upon by the ghostly presence of Great Spirit
        Who is shaking their head at my ignorance
              And racking up a running list of my negative character traits
We are taught to fear their wrath
And even those of us who do not believe
Are subject to brainwashing
     by mere association
I recognize the faults in this reasoning
Emancipate myself from the fear-mongering
I let doubt go
And let trust in.

Heart healed by God’s energy in the form of a tree
I say “Aho!”, and leave the forest
Free
(at least, temporarily)
From the aches and pains of my throat and ears
A weight has been lifted

Then the rain falls
Picks up
Pours
Thunder rolls in
Lightning touches its deadly fingers to the ground
God listens.
God always listens.
And today, so did I.