Living with Your Shadow

“Hey”, I habitually utter as I open the door to our apartment.
(Myself and my Shadow’s apartment, that is. The most interesting roommate I’ve ever had, that’s for sure. And I thought I lived alone…)
Shadow nods at me half-heartedly, a rather hardy approach for a Shadow.
“You must be having a good day,” I reply.
“Oh yes, very good indeed.”
Well, shit.

A good day for a Shadow is a not-so-good day for its Light-Body counterpart. Shadows feed on anger, fear, insecurity, frustration, impatience, aversion, laziness, isolation, and any negative virtue you can think of. If they are ‘well-fed’, so to speak, their energy is higher than usual, and you could call that a Good Shadow Day.

Shadow floats past me, jubilantly melancholy in his negativity-high.
“You know”, he growls, “you should hold grudges more often. Really improves the ambience.”

It is impossible to stay angry at a Shadow — but that doesn’t stop me from trying. If I had a choice, I certainly would not live with a looming reminder of the demonic attributes inherent in my human form. I make a noble effort to focus my energy on virtues and emotions that behoove myself and others — unconditional love, compassion, understanding, patience, gratitude, courage, humility; but Shadow has a habit of dragging me to that Not-so-Bad but Not-so-Good-Either Place where light meets dark. This is the Place of Indifference. This is the Place of Death.

Surrendering to Shadow’s unrelenting ability to bring me back to Earth, I collapse into my chair and let out an over-exaggerated sigh.
“Are you aware that humans do not like talking about painful truth, Shadow? It’s not exactly dinner table conversation. And you wonder why I don’t take you anywhere.”
“Oh, please, Kelly. What do you think I do during the day? Stay at home? I’m your SHADOW,” he says with a condescending eye-roll. “I follow you everywhere!”

It’s true — he does. I forget from time to time. Especially lately. My life has been going great. I got that raise and bonus from work; I met a dude who makes me feel things; I am finally getting back into shape. It’s much easier to ignore Shadow when things are falling into place.

“Kelly. Look at me. I’m only here to help.”
(Have you ever looked a Shadow in the eyes? I have. If you think that sounds scary, don’t worry — it gets easier over time. But it never truly gets easy, you know?)
I slowly turn to face his formless features while wearing a pathetic frown like a badge of dishonor.
“Shadow, no offense, but you may be the least enjoyable entity on this entire planet.”
Shadow only smiles. He knows I mean well. Today is a Good Shadow Day. His silent response is executed with a disturbingly human-like level of sympathy.

At this point, you may be wondering why I put up with such a fun-sucking stickler. Well, first of all, I don’t have a choice. Second, in all honesty — and I hate admitting this — Shadow is always right. It’s a bit like living with the world’s most depressing guru. Whether wisdom is delivered by the Dalai Lama or by Satan himself, it is wisdom nonetheless.

“You really should learn to quiet your mind. It’s messing up my concentration.”
Get out of my head, I think.
“I’d rather not”, Shadow retorts, with an uncomfortably playful chuckle.

Perhaps unfortunately, Shadow knows me better than anyone ever has and ever will. Living alone is a blessing, because nobody infects your sacred space with their respective problems, negativities, or even successes, for that matter. The energy is all yours. It’s no wonder that Shadow manifested here. I realize now he was there all along, but without the distracting Shadows of other people (we all have one), he is free to show himself in true form. I did want my house to be a safe space for everyone. What resulted is a classic case of ‘be careful what you wish for.’

As I said before, it’s impossible to stay angry at a Shadow. Yes, I still resist him — sometimes vehemently — but I’ve learned to accept, and sometimes even like, that Not-so-Bad but Not-so-Good Either Place. The Place of Indifference. The Place of Death.

Shadow has taught me that life is a balancing game. Depression is just as unsettling as Overjoy. Loneliness is just as upsetting as Social Stimulation. When you live your life toward either side of the Neutral Zone, your emotions and actions become clouded in illusion. Energy wants to reach equilibrium, but can only do so when met with an equal and opposite force. Just when you achieve a state of bliss, life destroys it with devastation. Without fail, you stumble back onto the Middle Path — which, when followed without distractions on either side of the balancing beam, is a clear, quick, and easy road to happiness.

So, as difficult as Shadow may be as a roommate, I appreciate his honesty and insight, however blunt and unforgiving. Ironically, he has shined light on those parts of myself I often refuse to confront. Shadows always show themselves eventually, so by accepting him now, I am saving myself much distress later. So, fellow readers — I implore you to seek and pay attention to your Shadow self, however terrible it may sound. He may be hiding around corners, in your closet, or under your bed. You may find him in the shape of a rude cashier or an aggressive driver. Most likely, you’ll find him right beneath your feet. Allow him to enter your life gradually, and let him teach you the beauty of darkness.

Peacefully, the self-pity subsides.
“Thank you for being you, Shadow.”
“No, thank you for being me.”